Monday, March 30, 2009

careful where you sit in our house

If a ball is the world's greatest toy, then a toot is the world's funniest sound.
Over the weekend, we ran out of milk and bread, so the whole family journeyed to the store. We found several bargains: reduced for quick sale spring mix salad, asparagus (which is normally $3.99/lb) was $.99/lb., as well as a couple of packs of fajita beef which were $2.00 per pack. However, once we got to the aisle that also included children's toys, all those savings went out the window.
Our oldest son ran over and grabbed a whoopee cushion and showed it to his 3 year old brother. "Pfffffft!" he pushed the trapped air out as his prodigy guffawed. Again and again he made giant fart sounds with the toy. I thought my toot-sound-lovin' fourth-born was going to need CPR. He could barely catch his breath.
King was not amused. (Yes, he does have testosterone coursing through his body, but he was worried someone would "hear" it. Which, of course, is what made it so funny to the rest of the family.) Finally, he agreed to let the kids put it into the buggy (shopping cart to those of you not in the south), but told them they were not allowed to play with it until we got home.

Since then, there has been much laughter. The kids try to sneak it into an unsuspecting soul's chair (they got me once) and they laugh so hard that they gasp for breath.

Cost of whoopee cushion: $2.99
Fun had since Sunday afternoon at 2 p.m. : priceless

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


You know it is gonna be a rough afternoon when about 20 or so vultures are directly over your house. Circling. Circling. Circling.

I mean, I put deodorant on and all this morning. I don't smell THAT bad (*sniff sniff) do I?

for the record

..... I love getting to spend time with new friends (and old!) over coffee. And the fact that King went out the night before and scored Dunkin' Decaf is fabulous. Not only that, but he brought home these enormous dinner plate sized donut-things. Despite the fact that I feel guilty about the calories in such a sugary confection, it was quite a nice morning. Now I am left wanting to get out my calendar and schedule more "coffee times" with all my friends. (And, believe it or not, I promise, it isn't for the donuts!)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

a war worth fighting

Our oldest is receiving the Sacrament of Confirmation this fall. We have been asked to write a letter to our pastor, reflecting on the moment: why he/she should be confirmed, her religious education, and how we as a family live out our Catholic faith. I sat down to write a draft of the letter today. I had to wait until the little ones were down for a nap. I wanted to write it in quiet, in solitude, listening to the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, whom I received fully at my own Confirmation.
In writing the letter, I was reminded that not only will she will receive this permanent mark and become a fully-initiated member of the Church, she will also join the ranks of the Church Militant. I remember learning that there are three parts of the church and wanted to refresh my memory so I can better discuss it with her.
The Church Militant: Christians who are living, fighting against sin and defending their faith, The Church Suffering: Christians who are in Purgatory, and The Church Triumphant: Christians in Heaven. It is very important to see ourselves as part of a bigger picture, of all those who have lived and all those who will live. Thinking of ourselves as part of the Church Militant helps us with our mission to spread the Gospel message throughout the "battlefield" we've been given. Some are drawn to take the message to a faraway place, some of us are called to spread the Good News in our own homes and parishes.
I can't help but suspect, in light of what is going on in our country and throughout the world, that our role as soldiers is going to become extremely important: defending life, defending Christ, and not growing weak on where we stand as Catholics.

ps- Read Fr. Dwight Longenecker's prophet-like blog entry on the subject.

please sign this petition

As unconscionable as it may seem, Notre Dame has scheduled Barack Obama to deliver their commencement address this spring. This is someone who is not only an advocate for abortion, but for heinous acts upon the unborn (partial birth).

Sign petition here.

Friday, March 13, 2009

final exam

Last week I received a call. I did not recognize the name on the caller ID, but my interest was piqued, so I answered it.
On the other end of the line was a woman who sounded like she knew her way around a fifth of Jack Daniels and Marlboro reds. She told me her name and said she was calling for prayer. Her words were unsure and choppy and her grammar was not great. There was desperation in her voice. A pleading that tugged at my heart for the rest of the day and the next. Even today I was reminded of her and said a little prayer for her.
She kept saying she was not Catholic but her brother is. And wanted me to pray on the phone with her. I didn't know what to do or to say. I should be a good Catholic Christian and have a prayer book right at my fingertips. She threw me off guard. I wanted to pray with her, yet I was scared. It was uncomfortable. I have never prayed for someone on the phone before. I still find it a bit unnerving to pray (ad lib prayers) aloud with my family, let alone, a perfect stranger.
She said she had not been sleeping. Without even pausing, my mind immediately jumped judging thoughts: "probably can't sleep because of all that booze you suck down". It shocked me. I felt extremely guilty. "I don't know this person, what's my problem?!?"
She said she had been having nightmares and hearing voices. "I am out of my league, I need to call the psych ward," was my next judgemental thought.
For some reason, her instincts told her that things had gotten bad enough. So much so that she called a stranger to ask for prayer... not just any prayer. She specifically wanted Catholic prayer.
I was in an important, crucial role. I told her I would hold her in my prayers all that day and ask our Prayer Team to lift her in prayer too. She was so grateful. I was a coward. Why didn't I pray with her?
"Thank you so much," she said, the relief in her voice was palpable. I felt like worm poo.

Thankfully, a bit later, she called back. When I saw her number on caller ID, I was elated. Maybe I could have a chance to redeem myself. A split second later, my next uncontrollable thought was, "Oh great, now she is going to be calling me everyday. I'm gonna be her new crutch."
Gee whiz, just shut out those thoughts and answer the phone already.

"Hey, it's me again. What is that prayer y'all pray?" she wanted to know.
I chuckled, "which one?!?"
"Oh, I don't know. I just want something I can pray myself. I think it would make me feel better." This woman is fighting demons and she knows that prayer is her best weapon against spiritual warfare.
Because I didn't have something right nearby, I told her that I would call her right back. I ran to the laptop and Googled "Catholic Prayer". I searched quickly for "Prayers of Healing/Peace of Mind" and found a prayer that was just the right thing. I called her back within a couple of minutes and read it slowly to her while she wrote it down.
"I don't know how I can thank you. This has made me feel so much better already. I just can't thank you enough," she went on. She sounded like she had the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders. I was so excited for her.
And, I was very humbled. I felt as though the whole experience was a Final Exam. How quickly can you think on your feet, MG? I paused, not wanting to step outside of my comfort zone. My judgements of this woman were instantaneous and uncontrollable. I pushed them aside. My hardened heart bled for her. I wanted my prayers to help heal her. I wanted the best for her.
"What can I do to repay you?" she wanted to know.
"Just pray for me in return," was all I could ask.

the application

This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

DATE OF BIRTH_______________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________
IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________
Please attach a second sheet if necessary.

HOME ADDRESS_____________________

Do you have parents?___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:_________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain_____________________________________________________

A. Do you own or have access to a van?__Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires?__Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes_No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?__Yes __No
E. A tattoo?_Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek, or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________

E.. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

Mother's Signature

Father's Signature

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi Signature

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

now we are two

Can't make a 2 with her hands yet, but sporting two pacies gets the point across, n'est pas?

more than a little upset

I cannot believe how quickly our "illustrious" president is spending money. He is like an evil, spoiled child in a position of power. Case in point: $100 per pound (!) meat flown in from Japan. Are you kidding me? That is what most families grocery budgets are for the whole month!!!
I can barely concentrate during the day, much less sleep at night, due to the giant sucking sound of money going up the proverbial "wild hog's arse".
Conversely, his gift giving is cheapskate at best. Hey, Barack: When a head of state gives you a pen set, formed out of the timbers from a Victorian anti-slave ship, you don't give them back a boxed set of DVDs. Tacky. Embarrassing.
The thing that upsets me the most is his executive order (overturning what President Bush signed) to federally fund embryonic stem cell research, which by the way is not yielding any results, unlike the adult stem cells.
This means MY tax dollars and yours are funding the killing, more shockingly the harvesting of human souls. It honestly smacks of something from one of those sci-fi/horror movies (probably one of the ones in the DVD set he gave to the British Prime Minister).

God, help us!

Sunday, March 1, 2009


I have to get onto my Number One child all the time, because she is so extremely quiet and unassertive. Not that I want her to be the polar opposite, but she should at least smile and acknowledge when she is spoken to or smiled at by a schoolmate. Someone is going to mistake her for a snob.

Which reminds me, a friend of mine and I were discussing snobbery the other day.
We live in an old neighborhood and folks who don't live here most often call the folks who do "snobs". I don't know why. Granted I don't know all the people who live in the neighborhood, but I do know quite a few, none of which are snobs.
My friend also said that her sister is sometimes leery of going to social events because of the way the people there stare at her when she walks in the room. (Mind you, both she and her sister are GORGEOUS, which is probably why they get stared at, but I digress.) She suspects they are snobs.
Now, I wonder, are the people at the party really snobs, or does the sister assume they are? Is it a case of self-consciousness and she is projecting snobbery onto the party goers? And if she ends up NOT going to a party because of the people who might be there, does that make her a snob? (she isn't but I'm just sayin'...)

This post really doesn't have a point, really. But, it got me thinking about my own actions, have I ever acted like a snob? eek.. I sure hope not. Because I feel like I am the furthest thing from it. You never know, though.