I have been feeling rawtha fearful lately. Irrational fears. Chicken Little kind of stuff.
King helped me figure out that it is due of an extreme loss of control over many, many, many things as of late. Control freak or not, it is about to push me over the edge. Many of them are actual losses. Some of them are perceived. Perhaps if I were to share the "short list"....
- I am afraid that I may be spiritually lost
- I have lost touch with a dear friend who has moved
- I have lost someone very close whom I have known for most of my life
- A sweet husband of mine was trying to get all our outgrown clothes together to donate and as a result, I have lost a sweet college graduate's 12 tee shirts from which I was make a memory quilt.
- It is not easy letting go/losing control over the oldest children and the decisions they are making which will affect the rest of their lives.
- My laundry pile is out of control!
- Um, where is the top of my computer desk?
- Wait, what? Didn't you just come ask me for a snack five minutes ago and now you want something else to eat?
- Now that baby goes to kindergarten in three weeks, what will mommy do all day?
- Uh, who am I?
- Why does King have to work so many hours?
- How do people spend an inordinate amount of time drinking, laughing, hooting it up with their friends, and still have time to keep everything at home all together?
- Why does it seem that money is leaking out of our account like a sieve?
- Where will No 1 go to college? Or will she drag her heels and not make a decision in time and NOT go to college? She is so bright and beautiful, it would be a shame for her not to reach her fullest potential. How much can I push? How much should I push? I don't want to lose her, too.
- Will I be able to lose the one thing I have always wanted to lose? Ever?
Just thinking about all this makes my stomach knot and I am not able to take a full breath. I know that all will be well (St. Julian, pray for us). But right now, I am seeing chunks of sky landing all around me.
On a related note, here is the word for today:
Turbulence-
In fluid dynamics, turbulence or turbulent flow is a flow regime characterized by chaotic and stochastic property changes. This includes low momentum diffusion, high momentum convection, and rapid variation of pressure and velocity in space and time.
6 comments:
it is called generalized anxiety disorder.
i love you!!!!!!!
Perhaps some time in Adoration to calm the soul?
Life is messy. It just is.
Kindergarten for #5 will also be good for the soul. Mark my words!
Know you are not alone. Know that you have done your best while raising your kids and they are good kids. In my experience our kids get to an age and must make their own choices and have to live with the consequences and yes sometimes those choices impact everyone, but be still and listen because I have found it is those times that HE is teaching us something very important.
love this post! so honest and really hits on what I suspect most moms are feeling but don't always admit. I think sometimes it does feel better to vent worries-it releases the tension
xo
This is my life, ummm, except the missing t-shirts, I wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't attempt a quilt. BTW, we can't all be perfect stay at home mothers, it's ok, I can't even stay at home. Love you!
There was a period in my life (and not so long ago, either) where I was having full-blown panic attacks, so I can understand what you're going through.
An honest post ... and facing these fears with that honesty is a good step in the right direction.
Hugs!
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